For thirteen years she has lived without that beautiful friend. A heart went from beating to entering glory in less than thirty minutes. That tragic day would be a memory she would attempt to run away from, and for a long time, she found only sorrow in her search for healing. No one could touch the deep wound that day caused, nor could anyone stop the bleeding of past wounds that busted wide open when she heard the words, "We couldn't save her. She is dead."
As the anniversary date approached, the words in her mind were, “You are okay. It's been long enough, and don’t forget, you laid Brittany down at the feet of Jesus!” That familiar pain of grief would appear, and the memories would come flooding in. However, shame spoke, and grief was pushed down so it couldn’t be felt. She carried on that day, allowing the suffering to hide, shame to win, and the wall to come up to protect her.
Soon, during the early morning hour, a text message came over the phone that would take her breath away. She was talking with a friend when suddenly, the world stopped spinning. Silence was the only sound coming from her lips, and immediately shame was quietened. This allowed a whisper of love to come through her heart, and soon the wall that was built came crashing down. This is how the text would read…
“Hi. I know this is a tough day for you as you grieve the loss of a dear friend, and also the loss of her precious babies that you would have loved and doted on. Know that I am lifting you and your broken heart to the Father of all Comfort. May He give you strength and comfort and even joy as you visit memories of Brittany and your special friendship with her” …..this precious friend shared a prayer with me and then added these precious words….”I’m praying for God’s amazing redemption to transform all of the tragedy and pain from Brittany’s and the babies’ deaths into good and glory. Especially in your life because of your great love for her. And also in her daughter’s life. I love you dearly.”
A stoic person despises the shedding of tears. On the other hand, this girl was not born to be someone who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings. Immediately tears began streaming down her face, and whatever conversation she was having with the friend on the phone would be lost. Grief rushed out of hiding and rose to the surface! She now faced a challenge. She could either return to Jesus’s feet with shame and grief or allow the sorrow and shame to protect her.
“Why is this happening, Lord? Haven’t we already walked through this? I can’t cry about this today, and I know if I do, it will hurt my husband again! This day hurt him too. I lost her, but he lost me. I know we are not there anymore, but what will he think? There has been so much healing, and it has been 7 years since we began the process, but what if this hurts him? Please help me to know what you are showing me through this. I don’t understand?” said the battle in her mind.
Many years ago, her grief would cause many people grief. Her pain inflicted pain on others, but her husband would receive the most significant sting. She would lose her best friend in a tragic car accident, and he would lose the love of his life to grief and much shame. This particular day shame would remind her that Brittany was dead and that she didn’t deserve to grieve because of what she did.
As she approached His feet that morning, the process began, and suddenly she realized not every piece of shame was laid at His feet seven years ago. Tragedy had a way of shaping her life. It was nothing new to her, but how it would recklessly steal her life away was no longer an option. Instead, the Lord would take her away on a journey of grief, with every part of it being felt.
This day she thought her heart was grieving Brittany, and it was. After thirteen years of losing someone you love, their voice becomes lost. You know their words, but the sound is no longer there. A heart grieves a beautiful melody, and an unfinished song will try to shatter a grieving heart. However, there was more to be revealed. She was reminded that seven years ago, as she sat at Jesus' feet, the Holy Spirit called her, saying, "Will you give me Brittany's life so that I can give you yours."
Her husband would lose parts of her that were already dead, and thirteen years ago, the two that had been joined together as one knew that all would be lost. But, to Jesus, this would only be the beginning of their life with Him.
The torment of fear would race to the finish line that evening as she sat with her husband in that garage, but Jesus held them tight as He ran to win the race.
Trying to escape the moment she feared, that friend she was on the phone with earlier called back, eager to know how the rest of her day played out. Little did she know it would gather those tears back to the surface for her husband to see. He soon said, "What are yall talking about" along with that look in his eyes that said, "Why is she crying." Jesus always has a way of revealing her heart, even if the torment of fear seems as if it's winning the race.
Soon after her heart was revealed, their eyes met, both filled with tears from grief's sting, and he spoke the sweetest sound saying, "Her death not only saved your life, but it also saved mine." As the communication continued, her heart realized that death thirteen years ago was used to save not only her own life but many others.
As she allows Jesus to journey her through grief and shame, the veil is torn, and her ability to see His heart for that tragic day comes alive. He grieved with her, but He knew what would come. As devastating as it was, it is nothing compared to what He is producing because of that day. She will never forget; as she grieves in the coming years, the Lord wants to give her a new melody.
So the Holy Spirit spoke these soothing words to her grieving heart "I am trading the ashes for beauty, I am redeeming the day that shame tried to steal you away, I am saving you and your husband as I dance you on this memory of a sad day! I am the God who sacrificed my Son so that you could have life, and this is the abundant life I give you, my beloved. So embrace it even when it hurts."
The healing she longed for arrived seven years ago when she surrendered and said, "Yes, Lord, you can have her life so that I can receive mine." She didn't know then that there was much more healing to come. Although it does not all come simultaneously, it happens as He desires.
Christ is not wasting their sorrow! Instead, he is redeeming that day and restoring the hearts of the two He joined together. By keeping them in His presence, they are fully alive to pain, joy, sorrow, and hope. Leaving them in need of His saving grace every day, allowing their shattering to be His shaping. As they walk, not fully seeing but believing their Savior, they know that one day, they will finally see Him face to face!
Your sorrow is never wasted. So today, if Jesus asks you to journey through your grief, I encourage you to say yes. If your heart is grieving the loss of a relationship or what came from your tragic day, I promise He has a purpose and wants to reveal it to you. So, trust His timing and embrace the journey.
"Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later...And we believers also groan even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as His adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don't need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)." - Romans 8:18;23-25
"Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture in a mirror. Later we will see him face to face. We don't know everything, but then we will, just as God completely understands us." - 1 Corinthians 13:12
"God's curse will no longer be on the people of that city. He and the Lamb will be there, and his servants will worship him. And they will see his face, and his name will be written on their foreheads. And there will be no night there-no need for lamps or sun-for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever." - Revelation 22:3-5
"The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." - Psalm 34:17-18
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